Today I got upset when my daughter missed her flight this morning. She had missed her flight the morning before because she slept passed her alarm and missed riding with me to the airport. Unfortunately the last flight of the night was payload optimized and they did not clear any standby passengers. So she decided to stay at a hotel versus flying back home which I was happy for. She is going through relationship issues and it is good for her to clear her mind.
The next morning I saw that she was cleared and then they went past her name. This usually indicates she was not present when they called her name. I just had a rush of emotion and anger! The reason for this flood of emotions was because I tried so much to get her to Hawaii. As in the past, I feel when I put so much time and effort into someone and they cannot reciprocate any type of gratitude by simply doing what they need to do, I feel like they are slapping me in the face.
As I felt this familiar rush of anger and emotion engulf my body, I tried to take the time to breathe, meditate, just be in the moment and try and let that anger and emotion go through my body. I had to promptly sit up in bed and acknowledge what it was that was happening. I acknowledged the anger I was feeling. I acknowledged that I must breathe and focus and bring things back to center. But nothing was working. I finally had my daughter’s mom call me immediately.
She understands why my daughter did not tell me the truth on why she didn’t make the flight. She says that people won’t tell me the truth because they know I’ll be disappointed in them. They would rather lie to me than for me to be angry at them and make them feel like a disappointment. And that she did the same thing as well in the past.
As I calmed down and sent my daughter a nice text I began to reflect on the situation. The issue derived from me striving for perfection in all I do. I do all I can to help people just so I can put a smile on their face because it makes me feel good. My unhappiness with myself and lack of love for myself is counterbalanced by going out of my way to make others happy. I feel a sense of joy when I can make others happy. So when they take that gift or opportunity that I provide to them and don’t put their full effort I get real sensitive about it.
These are the first steps in acknowledging that I must work on loving myself. Acknowledging that I am good enough. My self worth has always been low and now is the time to truly not allow others to affect my happiness. When I am happy, I can make others happy. When I am sad, I cannot make others happy.
As much as I tried to fly under the radar and be part of the crowd, I can no longer rest in mediocrity. I am going through this time of suffering because I was complacent and lazy. I am different. I expect more and want more for myself. I cannot escape that. I was meant to be something and offer myself to others. I could not do that in the state I was in. So I had to experience suffering to awaken the joy inside of me and set me on the path of enlightenment and awareness.